Dearest Mother

It’s nearly 20 years since I last wrote a letter from Downunder to You at the other end of the earth… and since then you died. I miss you still and the letters you wrote – always full of “chat” and news that you knew I would be interested in. This lack of news from you has, more than anything else, distanced and estranged me from ties I had with my birthplace. But with the loss has come time for memories and reflection.

Since my own diagnosis with breast cancer (BrCa) Christmas 1996, and my crying in hospital in the middle of the night just after the op – the nurses came round concerned about this – I replied that I was not crying for myself but You who had had to cope with your own diagnosis of BrCa all alone, without your husband to cuddle & comfort you, listen to your fears as he had died so many years before. I remember you convalescing with Ian & I in our home, and me not being able to look whilst helping you have a bath. You talked to me about not facing (looking at your body) your radical mastectomy and how my reaction made it harder for You to live with this.

Somehow your life, a while after diagnosis with this disease, seemed to bring you out of a chrysalis that had encapsulated you since the death of your beloved husband, when you were only 28 and he 33 – with me 5 & my brother just a few months old; no National Health; no Widow’s Pension. How on earth did you manage? You always made our birthdays, Christmas time & summer holidays special times. Thank goodness you had your parents + parents-in-law alive to help lovingly, physically & monetarily. Give them all a big hug & kiss from me – I realized after you & they had gone that Grandpa Mann was my Mentor… but that’s another story. I wish to give You & Father a big hug & kiss too; firstly for giving me life and secondly, and most importantly, for the wish you made and wrote for me in my Baby Book, celebrating my first Christmas. “VJs first Christmas – 1942 (3rd year of war). Owing to travel restrictions unable to be with our ‘own folk’. Decorated small Christmas tree with bright balls, tinsel etc [of which I still have one decoration], which just attracted her attention. She is four months of age, so more interested in just her sleep and food. No peace on earth or goodwill Christmas owing to war, and loved ones in all corners of the world. Our only happiness this Christmas being that VJ has brought us joy, and the hope that she will bring love and happiness into this world.” I hope I have achieved your aim.

Thirdly a big Thank You for showing me, through You, how to live life with cancer. We never spoke about IT – cancer was not a word mentioned at the beginning of the 70s. I understood nothing about cancer, nor more specifically BrCa when you were diagnosed Christmas 1970. I gradually assimilated more information as the years went by. Gradually understood that it could be passed from Mother to daughter, along with other indicators – which made me think long & hard what to do if ever I was diagnosed with the disease. My thoughts on what I would do gradually crystallized over many years (7-10) that life was too good to give up without a good strong fight (inherited from you) and that I would have a bilateral mastectomy. I had even requested, from a breast surgeon, that both breasts be removed ?profilactorilly. So that when I was told December 96 I did not go into shock & knew immediately what I wanted done. SO what I have done since diagnosis has been related to your experience & death from the disease (nearly all positive). Your experience also made me think more deeply about death & dying & how I hope to cope with it; and how to manage pain if I have to. I know the big testing time will come if I’m told I have secondaries, but I feel I will be OK in my head. My family knows how I want the situation handled if the time comes & I have confidence in that. BUT I don’t live life around BrCa – I live life differently because of it.

The fact that I have BrCa has made a great change for the better in my life. I’m positive that it has brought me closer to my two sons; they seem to tell Ian & I more now – both the good & the bad. I had more problems with Ian & one of my sons & their reaction to the situation than me – I was having to counsel & discuss with them how well I felt & how OK in my head I was & that I would always be honest with them. Before diagnosis I would have worked until I dropped dead (I was a dedicated workaholic & too worried about money & how much I earned & how much we had). “Material Things” don’t matter any more, if I break or lose them, or even don’t have them. I really, really enjoy life – being able to have friends & rellies round (like last Christmas – 12 for Xmas Day + 22 Boxing Day & sort of engineering Geoff (widower) & Ann (single), both 60s, to meet quite a bit; & they seem to have hit it off!!! Ian & I would not have gone to UK (to see ALL my family) & South of France for 7 mths going around in our 17 yo “Pash Wagon” (my niece nicknamed it that); going to the 2nd World Breast Conference held in Brussels & paid for by total strangers from America (wow). Doing something special for each of my birthdays since – having a wacky 55th b’day (the 1st one after BrCa) where everyone had to dress up as something that flies!! One lass sprayed black 2 tea strainers & had an awfully tatty black wig on (she was a fly – it was so revolting it was hilarious); I dressed as Big Bird (with yellow feathers sewn on a head covering I had for when I lost my hair); a Witch; a Bluebird; A Kingfisher (he had a cardboard crown on his head & carried a dead fish in a bucket); his daughters dressed as Toucans (with 2 coke cans hung around their necks); A Flying Doctor from the Royal Doctor Flying Service (my cousin dressed up in a white coat with stethoscope round the neck & wings on her back named Izzy Serious – her name being Isobel) & she went around handing out really large coloured smarties from a huge medicine bottle telling everyone they looked sick; Gaolbird, Time Flies; & had 3 tapes of music playing all pertaining to flying (some really naf songs too)!!! I then flew in a Balloon; Ian spent nearly all his super money on a motorhome & we spent 3 mths last year touring up to Airlie Beach (Whitsundays, Gt Barrier Reef) where I got my Scuba Diving Licence. This year for my 60th he has promised to feed me to the Sharks in the Aquarium.

So – all my love to you as ever with big hugs & kisses all round

From your very loving Daughter – VJ.